It’s Friday again. This week’s Five Minute Friday prompt from Kate Motaung is WANT. Here are five minutes of free writing on a raw topic for me, today. I hope it resonates.
It has come to my attention that I am mean to myself.
The running monologue in my head towards me is negative, critical, and harsh. “You are messy. You are fat. You are emotional. You are crazy. You are down – again. Pull it together.”
I’m not sure when it started. I’m not sure when I became obsessed with perfecting myself and seeing all of my flaws. Was it when I was 14 and became aware of my knobby knees? In youth group when I thought I was a failure? In English class when I only received an A-, but my friends got A’s?
Brené Brown identified our culture as a culture of scarcity (Daring Greatly). We never have enough. So we try harder, buy more, strive and push and do all we can to prove ourselves as worthy.
It is exhausting.
I am tired of it.
God challenged me to look myself in the eye and start saying kind things to myself. Because how can I receive God’s love for me if I do not believe I am lovable? How can I receive grace and mercy if I reject it every day?
I pulled out a mirror:
You are kind.
You are smart.
You are doing your best and it is good.
You are loved.
You are lovely.
I so often desire others to experience the life changing power of God’s love, because I believe in it – but I also want it for myself. And that is good. It was Paul’s prayer for the Ephesians, over all else.
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:16-19
I want it. I receive it. There is nothing wrong with that.
What about you? What do you want for you?