I don’t have all of the answers. I like to think I do. As a pastor and teacher of all things Bible and theology, for five years people came to me for “the answers.” But when I was referenced in a sermon or meeting, “Ask Leah,” I felt a sense of shame and embarrassment. Because when it comes down to it, I just don’t always know.
Sure, I studied hard in seminary for three and a half grueling years. I value study and rational arguments about God and the Bible more than most people I know. I co-wrote our church’s curriculum on intro to theology and the bible and spiritual practices. I have preached from the pulpits of churches who have trusted me to bring Truth.
But when it comes to this day to day living, I am stumbling along, uncertain, questioning, and oh so aware of my lack of knowledge.
Because the more I study God, the more aware I am that I can’t see all of Him.
The more I question, the more questions I have.
But the more I search, the more I look for Him, the more I find Him.
Today was a day of all of the feelings. Joy. Boredom. Satisfaction. Disappointment. Fear. Peace. Gratitude. Hope. Sadness. Amusement. Ambition. Fatigue. Happiness.
Today was also a day of all of the questions. I questioned myself. I questioned our decisions. I questioned humanity, public schools, and Englewood traffic patterns. I questioned clothing, health, meal plans.
Behind all of the uncertainty was the underlying question I carry with myself every day: Will I be okay?
In my heart I felt we lost two potential homes today. Will I be okay?
After a wonderful conversation with Jack’s teacher this morning, I wondered about his future school. Will I be okay?
While sorting through a ridiculous amount of 4T clothing for Ben, I struggled to give away the surplus. Will I be okay?
Will we have enough? Will we be taken care of? Will we find another home?
I finally surrendered to the tears of my questioning heart, because though I know all of the answers in my head, it continues to be a daily discipline to grasp the Truth within my being.
Like followers of Jesus have prayed through the centuries, I allowed myself to pray the only honest prayer I had in me: “Help me in my unbelief.”
Help me to trust you as I know you are trustworthy. Help me to know you as I have known you. Help me to see you and feel you and follow you beyond what my physical eyes can see. Because life is too full of troubles to walk on my own, I continue to walk forward, reaching out for you. Please take my hand. I believe. Help me when I don’t!
Help me to know, that no matter what happens, I will be okay.
As I whisper amen, the peace that passes understanding slowly grows in my heart. I let myself be with Him, in Him. His grace is sufficient for me. And I am okay.
“How long has this been happening?” Jesus asked the boy’s father.
He replied, “Since he was a little boy. The spirit often throws him into the fire or into water, trying to kill him. Have mercy on us and help us, if you can.”
“What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked. “Anything is possible if a person believes.”
The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!”
Mark 9:21-24 NLT