In August I realized I was exhausted. Exhausted, overwhelmed, and feeling like I could not continue on with life as it was going. Something had to change. Something had to go. Actually, for awhile, a lot of things had to go so that I could find my feet again and be able to breath. I had to learn about myself and learn about God. I wish I could share everything I’ve learned, but that would take a book – and I’m not sure you really want to know that much about me or, frankly, that I’m willing to share it all. In the last three months I have become incredibly private, probably because I don’t even feel like I understand myself so why would I share everything with the world? And in the last three months I have found more focus and purpose to the things that I do.
I have learned that I need God. I mean, theologically I always knew that, but I never felt that. I never knew it with my entire being that if I did not have Him in my life every day I would feel like I would die. That without my time of prayer in the morning, the rest of the day falls apart. That without taking things to Him first, I put insufficient bandages on my wounds and they continue to bleed.
I learned (once again) that I have limits. I cannot do everything. I cannot be all things to all people. I cannot meet your expectations of me. And frankly, I probably shouldn’t, because if I do I am most likely not being honest about who I truly am – unless you expect me to just be me and to only do the things God desires me to do in which case you are a rare person and I want to get to know you more.
I learned that God is incredibly patient. He doesn’t expect me to “get it” all at once. He anticipates that I will forget to pray. He anticipates that I will once again perform for the wrong audience, exhausting myself, becoming irritable and unhealthy. And He is there to meet me in repentance. His grace is sufficient for each moment.
I need to remember these things when this baby comes. I need to remember that I cannot do it all. I need to remember that God’s grace is sufficient for me and that He gives me strength to do what I can’t do on my own.
And I need to remember that when I follow Him, I am at rest. I want to share more of that insight with you soon. About how The Lord is my Shepherd. And I have everything I need.
I am currently 35 + weeks pregnant. I am tired. I am making a baby. I can’t do everything, but the things God has for me. That is enough.
Step 11 of the 12 steps: “Sought to improve my conscious contact with God through prayer and meditation, seeking only the knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry it out.”