The past month has been a time of reflection and rediscovery. I am asking a lot of questions
Who am I again?
What do I want to do?
What am I good at?
What is my vocation?
What do I like to do?
Where do I fit in?
What is my life going to look like now that Jack is in it?
A mentor of mine who I do love and respect told me that life wouldn’t change much with having a baby.
Are you laughing?
I don’t think he (yes, it was a man) has been around babies much. Actually, I bet he hasn’t had a decent conversation with an honest mom about how life does change when a baby enters your life. Maybe I should talk to him so he doesn’t unknowingly mislead other new moms. (I never believed him by the way)
Anyway, as I have been writing cover letters and filling out job applications I realized how every thought, every action, every thing I have done in the past seven months has in some way involved Jack. That’s not bad in itself, but when taken to far it makes it difficult to explain how I would be the perfect director of some ministry when I’ve lost myself in my son!
No wonder so many stay at home moms struggle when their last child has left the nest!
Through writing this I realize it is a good thing that I will soon be getting a job. (Have faith! It can happen – even in this economy!) I was very discouraged about a month ago when I realized I couldn’t describe the things I’m good at or the things I enjoy. My tendency to obsess over Jack and make all things about him has caused me to lose sight of myself. I need to care for myself, know myself, and love myself in order to love Jack well. It’s the whole oxygen mask on an airplane thing.
This feels disjointed. It feels as though I’ve missed a few steps in explaining myself to you. But sometimes that’s how the process of discovery goes. One piece to the puzzle at a time and eventually you get the big picture.